Thinking

I'm sitting up, it's pretty late at night but I napped through the evening.

Just thinking.

I feel so lucky.

Things aren't great in my life, I battle with illness every day, but I am lucky.
I have a home. I look round this room and it's filled with things that belong to me. I have books, crayons, pencils, pens, paper, soft cushions, photographs of my husband and my friends, cameras, music, an inflatable parrot...

I also have a cat clawing at my feet. He has a mad half hour each night during which he tries to eat me alive. I think this is it. He's sharing my chair, I'm having to kneel on one half of it.

But all these things, they make me smile.

'Blessed' doesn't sit right with me but I guess that's what it is. Fortunate.

I've been where I didn't have a home. I've been in hospitals, with no access to my belongings. I've been in dark places, unable to appreciate the small things. No doubt, as is the nature of this, I'll still go back there, but it's OK. I don't feel scared right now.

I'm trying to be conscious of these things. To remain appreciative of the things that are good. I think of today and I think of a pretty nothingy day...but that's not entirely true. I have sent emails and received emails, I have played the piano for a while, I have drawn, I have been to the supermarket and not just stared at food, I've bought it and have plans for creations with it. Which I also plan to eat, without fear or guilt.

It's hard thinking and knowing this won't last, but I need to also remember that it will return.
For now I'm going to go and slather peanut butter on a piece of thick white farmhouse bread and sink my teeth into it. YES!

Even though I am being weighed tomorrow. And am just as petrified as usual.

My webcam still scares me too.

But it's OK. I can ignore.